Frappuccino - Italian for "I payed way to much for this coffee"

In this introduction to Caffeine-ese, forget everything that you know about the English language. Clear your mind of everything you once knew. Take a couple of deep breaths.

In...2...3...4....Out...2...3...4...In...2...3...4...Out...2...3...4

Alright. Here we go. Please fasten your seat belts and put your trays in the upright position. We are ready for take off.

Lets start off small. Or tall as the case may be. Tall no longer means being of impressive physical stature. Tall now means small. Tall is the smallest small that you can get, which is pretty impressive in itself when you spend $3 on it.

Next we jump right up to Grande. Don't get too excited. Grande still isn't the biggest. While Grande in Spanish is big, grande in Caffeine-ese still means not the big one. Grande now means bigger than the ant drink, and yet not big enough.

Here we hit the Venti. Venti. Say it to yourself a few times. Venti....Venti...it has a certain ring to it doesn't it? Makes one feel incredibly important. Venti.... Venti in Caffeine-ese is the biggest of the big, making all other cups feel insignificant. At night, the Venti's pick on the other cups.

Now that we have covered the sizes let us move on to the other terms necessary when ordering. I think the only term that isn't pretty self explanatory concerning flavor is Mocha. Mocha is chocolate. Plain a simple. Gotta love it.

A Macchiato isn't a real drink. Macchiatos are the one that all the other coffees pick on. I mean really. Steamed milk?

Espresso now comes in two varieties, Espresso hot and Espresso cold. Straight caffeine in two wonderful forms!

Now please be careful when ordering at Starbucks. I have made the mistake of asking for a "cup of coffee" which apparently no longer exists. But never fear, the Starbucks baristas are black belts of coffee, trained to handle any situation. When confronted with a customer who asks for a "small coffee black", they jump over the counter, grab you by the shirtfront and ask you what you said. At this point it is probably better to ask what their favorite coffee is and order one of those.

You have now completed the introduction to Caffeine-ese. Please feel free to print this out and take it with you when going on your coffee adventure.

Happy caffinating!